Dear Single Girl Wanting Love - Part 2
More tips for walking through your single years...
Hey girl! Welcome back to the Dear Single Girl series. I had Parts 1 and 2 in one blog post but it would literally take you 15 minutes to read the whole thing so I decided to break it up. ;)
If you haven't read part 1 yet, click here before reading this one. If you have, let's continue talking about singleness. Here are a few more of my best tips from my own personal experience to get you through these years:
Who is Sitting on the Throne of Your Heart
The biggest takeaway I want to give to you for your singleness is to keep your focus on Christ. Keep God on the throne of your heart because He is the only one who can truly satisfy you. He is a constant, unchanging, unconditional source of love that no man will be able to completely replicate. This is true even in marriage.
When Ryan and I first got married, the honeymoon phase was strong. He was the center of my whole universe, and my happiness was completely tied to him; if he had a bad day, I had a bad day. I was also subconsciously relying on him for my self-worth and identity. For example, if he didn't tell me I was beautiful often enough, I would start wondering if I was enough for him.
I realize now that this was really unhealthy for me. Ryan is a human being just like me. We have ups and we have downs; we aren't the solid, consistent foundation that God is. I was placing a huge burden on him to satisfy my every insecurity and keep me 100% happy every single day. He couldn't do it because he isn't perfect, and neither am I. Only God can completely satisfy you and give you the stability in your self-worth because He is unchanging and perfect. He doesn't have ups and downs. He is forever faithful, trustworthy, and loving.
This same is true for singleness. You might be questioning your worth and identity because you don't have a boyfriend. Or you might be trying really hard to post pictures of yourself on social media that will give you the attention and affirmation your heart is longing for. Don't do it girl. This is a sign that your longing for love is sitting on the throne of your heart, and you've probably experienced the up and down emotions this causes. So make a change. Find your worth and satisfaction from Jesus instead of guys or your friends.
What does God say about you? He says you are chosen, fearfully and wonderfully made just as you are, you are His daughter - the daughter of The King, you were made for a purpose, you have unique gifts, you are saved, your sins have been forgiven, and you are loved more than you will ever know.
This is your identity in Christ Jesus. If you rely on Him for your self-worth, you will never be disappointed. You will have a solid foundation for your identity and self-worth, and your longing for love won't have the power to make you feel less than you are.
A Healthier Way to Find Love
I have some bad news. If you didn't already know, "The One" is actually not backed up anywhere in scripture. It doesn't say anywhere that God has one man that He created just for you that He meant for you to be with. It does talk about free will and how God gives us the choice to marry or remain single (1 Corinthians 7).
So what does this mean for you? It means that God gives you the choice to marry who you want. I think this is beautiful and so romantic. The person you marry will be yours by choice. You chose them and they chose you out of the billions of people in the world.
All this to say, there is an aspect of "taking things into your own hands" when it comes to finding love. You have to place yourself in Christian community in order to find the man you're looking for. You could join a co-ed singles Bible study at your church, go to Christian events in your area, etc.
Now don't read me wrong here. I'm not saying to go to all of these events just to meet guys. I am saying that if you're sitting at home or only going to secular social events, then you probably won't meet any good Christian guys.
The choice is yours, but always remember to keep your heart in check. Just like we talked about earlier, keep the right perspective for yourself. Don't allow your longing for love to sit on the throne of your heart and cloud your view. Otherwise, going to all of these events will just be about guys instead of about Christ and community too. Go with the intention of growing your faith and encouraging/serving others, with a side note of maybe meeting a Godly guy along the way.
One of my favorite pastors put it something like this: Run after Christ. Keep your focus on Him and then if you look to your right and see a guy you're attracted to also running after Christ, then get married and continue running and furthering the Kingdom together.
Another thing to note is that just because you have the choice doesn't mean you can't ask God to bring love into your life. Psalm 37:4 says, "Take delight in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart." As long as your are following Jesus and delighting yourself in Him, there is nothing wrong with asking your Father for love.
You are God's daughter and He hears your prayers (Psalm 5:8, 1 John 5:14), so if a relationship is something you've asked Him for and there is literally not a single decent guy in sight, you can trust that God sees something you aren't seeing.
It could be that your husband isn't ready for you yet (i.e. not mature enough, not where he needs to be in his relationship with God, etc.). It could also be that you aren't ready for him yet. Maybe God is still shaping you to be the best wife for your husband. Maybe He wants you to focus on your relationship with Him and is trying to teach you to rely on Him.
Or maybe you haven't placed yourself in Christian community or events that would allow you to meet the guy you're looking for. Maybe God wants you to focus on the people around you right where you are to minister to, love on, and further His Kingdom.
There could be a number of reasons for your singleness. And for now, it will stay a mystery. But what we do know is that God is trustworthy. He is faithful. He loves you so much he died to save you. Rest in knowing that your heart is in the safest, sweetest place it will ever be. God loves you more than any man ever will. You can trust Him.
Here are some practical steps to help you with trusting God in your singleness:
Make the choice to place your worries, frustrations, loneliness, and desires in God's hands.
Ask Him for love as often as you need to in prayer.
Pray for your future husband. That God would use whatever season he is in right now to shape him to be all that God created him to be. Ask God to prepare you to be the best wife for him.
Remind yourself of God's promises in scripture.
Keep following Him and trusting that He will give you the desires of your heart as you delight yourself in Him (Psalm 37:4).
My Best Advice for You - Never Settle for Less
One of the most important things to remember as you're walking through your singleness is to know your worth and never, ever settle for less.
When I was single I settled a lot. I desperately wanted attention and to be loved, so I would date or get into relationships with guys and excuse the things that didn't line up with scripture. Most of them were "Christians" but weren't really following Jesus. Almost all of them lead me away from God and left me with a broken heart and regrets. They were all a complete waste of time.
I want to keep reminding you that you are so so valuable. You are a daughter of God with a unique purpose to make a difference in this world. Save your heart for someone who deserves it; someone who loves God, and will know how to love you. Don't give your heart to someone who doesn't have the same spiritual values as you. They could lead you away from God and His purpose for your life.
Most of the time guys who aren't true followers of Christ will hurt you and take advantage of you because they don't have the same convictions or moral compass. There are definitely good non-Christian guys, but you want someone you know is following Jesus. You want someone who understands that marriage is a sacred covenant God created, and who encourages you in your walk with Christ.
So don't settle. Watch out for the guys that show interest in you but aren't following Jesus. Your longing for love might try to deceive you into settling, so you have to remind yourself that you aren't going to settle for just any guy. Remind yourself that you are more valuable than that. You aren't going to hand your heart over to just anyone just because your having to wait. You may think you can fix them, but that's God's job, not yours.
Wait for a man who is spiritually stable and doesn't need to be fixed. He is going to treat you like the daughter of God that you are, and will be so worth the wait.