• Chloe Whaley

Dear Single Girl Wanting Love - Part 1

Updated: Jun 28, 2020

My whole heart is with you. If only I could reach through this screen, give you a huge hug, and show you your future with your husband so that you could enjoy the season you’re in right now and not waste time with all the other guys that will come and go in your life.

If I could spare you all the heartbreak and uncertainty, I would. But since I can’t, I want to share some tips that helped me or that I wish I would have applied when I was single.

I so remember my single years. I was the hopeless romantic in my group of friends. My favorite movies were Letters to Juliett and Princess Diaries 2, and I spent way more time than I'll admit reading my grandma's old (clean) romance novels from the 20’s and 30’s.

I clearly remember the waiting and the longing to be in love. I remember being so afraid that I would be alone forever. I’m ashamed to admit that I would secretly pair my first name with the last name of every guy I thought was cute, even if we had just met. Yikes.

I did have some seasons of surrendering my longing to God and trusting that He would bring the right man one day. But even in those seasons, I had moments of doubt. I grew impatient with God and tried to take things into my own hands in the wrong ways so many times. I would date guys that were less than what God wanted for me in hopes that I could change them. The end result? Disappointment, heartbreak, or regret.

Being single wasn’t fun for me because I didn’t have the right perspective. I missed out on so many good things God could have done in my life because I let my longing for love cloud my view. I want so much better for you.

If you are:

  • Struggling with being single and ready for a relationship

  • Growing impatient with God

  • Settling for a guy you know isn’t right for you

  • Lonely

  • Just went through a breakup

  • Having a hard time being happy for friends who are in relationships and are struggling with jealousy or

  • Crushing on a guy that just isn’t interested

This is for you, single girl. I hope I can help change your perspective a little and help you put your fears, frustrations, and impatience to rest.

My goal is to show you that it’s possible to enjoy your single years, that God has a purpose for them, and that you can truly live your best life without being in a relationship.

Loneliness and Wanting Love

Loneliness can be so hard at times. Longing for love can feel like heartache without ever going through a breakup. I feel you girl. I know this is a real struggle, but I want you to know that this feeling of loneliness can be overcome.

With a little bit of perspective change, your feelings will also change. The desire for love will still be there, but it won't have any power over you and it definitely won't steal your joy for the season you're in right now.

I want to first point out that your longing for love is completely natural, and it in and of itself isn’t a bad thing. God created love and marriage. He created you and understands the desires of your heart.

The dangerous part about our desires though is that they can easily take over our thoughts, emotions, and actions. If you catch yourself thinking about how much you want to be in love all of the time, this probably causes you to feel discontent and sad that you aren't in a relationship.

This sadness, if strong enough, might then cause you to flirt with Jake from math class who is known for cheating on girls but gives you the attention you're longing for. Before you know it, you're eating icecream straight out of the carton with a shovel, crying to your best friend because you gave your heart to Jake and he cheated. We might laugh but if we're honest a lot of us probably have similar stories.

When desires turn into obsessions, this can lead us down a path we didn't intend to go down. It's so important to protect yourself from this. Your heart is so so valuable. You not only have to protect it from the "Jake's" in life, but also from yourself. It can be hard to recognize when your desire for love is turning into an obsession.

So how do we cope with loneliness and wanting to be in love? Here are the best tips and things I've learned that I want to share with you.

A New Perspective

I'm about to get a little preachy only because I am so FOR you. I want you to have the best, happiest single years to look back on when you're married. I want you to experience all that God has for you without discontentment and distractions.

My first tip for you from my own personal experience is to not let your longing for love cloud your view. Don't let it have too much of your thought-space. Don't let it control your emotions and actions. This takes some serious decision making, especially around Christmas and Valentine's Day when you can't get away from the Hallmark movies, chocolate hearts, and happy couples.

Imagine yourself being lifted up to Heaven. What if you could look down on Earth and see everything from God's perspective? What if you could see the timeline of your whole life? Your perspective would definitely change towards the season you're in right now. You would appreciate the time you have a little more and wouldn't worry about finding love or your future.

I want you to figuratively lift yourself up and out of the "longing-for-love cloud". What are some things you can appreciate about the unique season you're in right now? What are some things you are grateful for? Has your longing for love been stealing your joy or keeping you from fully enjoying your time with the people around you?

One of my biggest regrets about my single years was that I didn't fully invest myself and my time in the people around me. I was so busy talking to guys, going out with friends, or going places to try and meet guys that I missed out on so much that God could have done in my life. Looking back now, I see that almost all of that was such a waste of time and a huge distraction. I so wish I would have given my parents and friends my full attention, love and time instead of guys that I didn't end up marrying anyway.

So decide today to change your perspective. Think about or even write down all the good things God has given you right now in your unique season. Make a list of the people in your life and think about how much each person means to you. Make the choice to spend more distraction-free time with them. Ask yourself how you can put them first and love on them.

Be more selfless instead of self-focused. Go see your grandma and ask her to tell you stories about her life. Help your parents around the house and spend more meaningful time with them. Make them feel loved and appreciated. Serve your friends and listen to them. You will find that acting selflessly instead of on your love-longing-emotions will be the biggest perspective-changer. You will see God at work right in front of your eyes and your sadness and loneliness will change to joy.

What Are You Filling Your Head With

This title is a little abrasive but I really want you to ask yourself this question. If you spend a lot of time each day scrolling through instagram looking at pictures of happy couples or girls with seemingly perfect lives or relationships, this isn't helping you. This makes the loneliness even worse.

Another thing to watch out for is what kind of music you're listening to. Sad, love-longing music can be therapeutic, but if you listen to it too often, it can bring your emotions way down. Don't get me wrong, singing your heart out every once in a while and even letting yourself cry a little is good for the soul. But don't let this be a regular thing.

It's a time-waster. This downer-music causes you to spend your time feeling sad or ruining your outlook on your day. Remember that our days are numbered, so do everything you can to make the most of each day God has given you.

Change that downer music to happy worship music. Worship music has a way of reminding us of all that we have to be grateful for, and all that God is - His goodness, faithfulness, and light in our lives. Set the tone for your day in a positive way with music that lifts you up.

Another thing to watch out for is what you're watching. Most shows on Netflix, Hulu, etc. are a little toxic if we're honest. Ask yourself what you watch most often. Is the content dishonoring to God? Does it cause you to have any negative emotions after watching it, like sadness, discontentment with your life, emptiness, etc.

Something I realized about being single was that when my desire for love was strong, I was extra susceptible to getting depressed or sad about my relationship status. I wish I would have realized this, but those were the times I needed to protect my eyes, ears, and mind the most.

Colossians 3:2 says, "Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things." And in Philippians 4:8, we see that we are to choose to think about whatever is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, and praiseworthy. Your thoughts have power. They can determine your mood, actions, and outlook on life. I think this is why these verses are in scripture. God wants you to guard your mind and your thoughts because He knows how important it is. They have the power to lead you further away or closer to the life and purpose God has for you.

Satan will try to use your thoughts to make you self-focused, depressed, and ultimately lead you away from God. Satan wants to distract you from the life God has for you by making you think and focus on what you don't have. Don't let him. Guard your mind. Make the choice to stop watching that show that doesn't line up with scripture. Change the music you listen to. Take a social media break, or unfollow the accounts that you know deep down aren't good for your heart.

Empty your mind of the toxic things, and fill it with the things of God. Prioritize time in His Word and prayer. Listen to worship music that lifts you up and encourages you. Change what you watch. Maybe start reading a Christian book about singleness or listen to a Christian podcast that will help you even more. Surround yourself with Godly friends who encourage you. All of these things will help you think about your longing for love way less. Guarding your mind might even be the healthiest thing you do for yourself.

For more tips and insight on dealing with these single years, go here to read Part 2.

Always here for you,